The separation is the worst part. The disconnection with people you love so dearly. Even though our hope is that it’s temporary, it’s still disconcerting & awful. Something I have wanted and continually asked for, is restoration of connection. I’m always looking for signs.
I attended a widow’s conference this weekend. I registered a long time ago but really didn’t want to go. When they say it’s a club you never wanted to be a part of, that’s no lie. And not only that, you actually can’t believe you’re part of it, & it’s repellent in a way. (Sorry I know it sounds awful, just being honest!)
Leading up to it, I spent time in a place that was special to us as a family and saturated in reminders of what we’ve lost, what we’ll never have in the future. But even there … I asked for two deer & we saw at least 15. Two cardinals in the middle of the road. An 11 on a little boy’s jersey. The signs made me smile, but I was lost in the separation.
When I looked out upon the room of widows worshipping Jesus on Friday night, I saw something I didn’t expect. Where I expected to see despair, searing pain, broken pieces of human beings scattered across the room, I saw instead Love. The room was thick with the presence of love and 250+ golden threads to Heaven. I could see it! The men (and one beautiful young girl) represented in that room – so dearly loved & living – more alive than we are right now – well, it’s hard to explain. It was a living, breathing acknowledgement of the words “temporary separation.”
They are where we all want to be, and they are with the One we all want to be with. They are still loving us, we’re still loving them. And we still have so much to look forward to. Suddenly those beautiful women became attractive to me instead of repellent. I was drawn to them. To see them, still standing, still laughing, still singing, still connected to the loves of their lives, trusting Jesus with literally EVERYTHING. Not even smelling of smoke.
Each table leader spent the week prior to the conference hearing & writing down prophetic words she received from the Holy Spirit for each of us. She put them blindly in envelopes & labeled them as He directed. She had not yet met us and didn’t know our stories.
Sunflowers are one of our signs from Libby.
Time to move forward.